I hate your face
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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