I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
