I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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