I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
