Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
