I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude. I can hear the air.
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