I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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