Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
