i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
