It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
