if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
