I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
