You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We just shotgunned beers for America
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
