happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
