Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
