I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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