those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The best revenge is premature balding
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
pray to the hookup gods
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
