birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize