we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
