So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
