Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
