i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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