just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
...so i touched it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
