I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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