dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
