you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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