I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
