Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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