It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
