My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My bed smells like the plague
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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