I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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