Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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