An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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