all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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