Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
