I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize