I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
