i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
