OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
