Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
