I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
