Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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