i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
