My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
