remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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