I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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