Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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