Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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