I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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