Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
