I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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