btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
