My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
