She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize