If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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