You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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