sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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