happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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