just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Even my vagina gasped.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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