Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
