I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
