I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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