Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
