I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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