the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
