It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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