Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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