I am puke
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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