What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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